The sun was breaking over the hill behind my dad’s light blue Chevy Silverado pickup. He had both hands on the wheel but he was leaning back and forth across the cab, searching every yard he passed. He was looking for me, and my ‘run away from home plan’ was only 7 minutes old but in complete disarray. I was hiding behind a row of hedges in front of my best friend Stacy’s house. It was those sticky bushes, and I was soaking wet because of the morning dew. I was still wearing my pajamas with no jacket or shoes.

My dad was driving too fast to see me, but at that point I had already made the decision. I was going back home. I figured my parents had to take me back, seeing how I was only 6. To this day, I have no idea what pushed me to that place, but I didn’t forget the lesson.

Running away from conflict only makes it worse.

This past Sunday, Amy and I walked through some of our best and worst moments around the table concerning conflict. If you haven’t checked it out, I really think it will be helpful to you. One topic that we did not get enough time to discuss is forgiveness. It will be impossible to build an intimate marriage (or any healthy relationship for that matter) without forgiveness.

In Matthew 18, Jesus tells one of the most disturbing parables in the New Testament. A servant owed 10,000 talents which was an absurd amount of money. One talent was 6,000 days’ wages, so his total debt was 600,000 days wages. The servant gets called in to the master, and after the threat of jail and selling his family as slaves, he begs for mercy. The master is so moved that he forgives the debt.

The servant goes out to a man that owed him 100 days wages. Or 60,000 times less than what he owed his master. The servant jails the man and demands full payment. Once the master finds out about this, the servant is brought before the master and is jailed and his family sold into slavery.

Jesus ends the story with these words – So my heavenly Father will also do to you, if you don’t each forgive your brother from your hearts for his misdeeds.

It’s hard to forgive, and some of us may even think it’s impossible. But it’s not. At it’s core, forgiveness is the release of a debt. It is when the one wounded or hurt says to the one who has wounded or hurt, I no longer expect or demand you to pay the cost of your sin to me.

It is NOT forgetting the sin. It’s not condoning or excusing it. It’s not overlooking it. Forgiveness does not remove consequences. Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation, but it opens the door for reconciliation to happen.

This last phrase is what I think is important for today. The Christ-follower can forgive radically, because he(she) has been radically forgiven. It releases us from having to bear that revenge. The Spirit can and will give us the grace we need to do this. And we must do this to open the door for restoration.

Restoration is another process. Restoration is the work necessary to make that forgiveness experiential. Restoration may require time to heal, time to prove trust. Restoration may need a process to intentionally and systematically rebuild the relationship. All of that is restoration – not forgiveness.

Forgiveness opens the door for all of that to take place. It doesn’t replace the work necessary to repair trust.

When there is conflict at the table, I’ve got to forgive – sometimes before it is even asked for – if restoration has any hope. Forgiveness can remove my bitterness in order to make restoration possible. Forgiveness can be a one-way street. Restoration is always a two-way street. In marriage, the goal is always restoration. In my other relationships, that may not always be possible. But in both situations, I can choose forgiveness because of how God forgave me.

My prayer for your table is that it is a place of forgiveness so that restoration can grow there.